King Richard the Third: There Goes the Succession
by meganphntmgrl
Summary: Parody antics with everyone's favorite psychotic, kyphotic literary usurper. Learn about Anne's drinking problem, Richard's love of crown-licking, and the Princes' overactive growth hormones. It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-Richard!


_Author's Note: This is just a little bit of randomness I wrote after vistiting the Oregon Shakespeare Festival (where, incidentally, _Richard III _was _not_ playing. I think a lot of it has to do with this really bizarre children's book adaptation of it they were selling there. The idea of children getting Shakespeare's account of Richard's life as a bedtime story really rather frightens me. Plus I found a book of cats as Shakespeare characters, and Richard was a properly deformed tuxedo cat. And in Jasper Fforde's _The Eyre Affair_, the play is given cult status comparable to _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. So, my interest piqued, I returned home to check my Complete Works of Shakespeare and churn out a strange little parody play rife with sarcasm and unnecessary pop culture references. It's currently in the running for my drama department winter show, where I will play Richard because none of the guys in my class wanted to._

_I'm really quite fond of Richard. Historically, he was a pretty good guy, but Henry VII discredited his memory to justify his murder at Bosworth. The stories kept piling on, and by the time Shakespeare wrote his play the English people felt Richard was evil incarnate. Tragic, really, for such a good man. If you're curious about the real Richard III, I suggest Anthony Cheetham's biography, which has the benefit of not being weighted toward either side of the argument._

_But this play follows Shakespeare's version, which is great theater nonetheless. On with the show!_

SCENE ONE

(The bedchamber of KING EDWARD IV. He is in bed center stage being tended to by his wife, ELIZABETH WOODVILLE, and his mother, the DUCHESS OF YORK. Another figure hovers at the edge of the stage- MARGUERITE D'ANJOU, widow of the late Henry VI. She is brooding resentfully, probably muttering under her breath.)

EDWARD _(squiggling around pathetically)_

Oh, agony! Oh, pain!

ELIZABETH _(feels EDWARD's forehead)_

Oh, my dearest love, you are burning up!

MARGUERITE _(aside)_

Probably some exotic disease he caught in his adventures whoring!

DUCHESS _(praying)_

Oh, God, don't take another of my sons from me! Don't break an old woman's heart!

MARGUERITE _(aside)_

Your sons murdered my son without any thought for my heart!

EDWARD

Oh, God! What a sorry end! Just look at me- _(wriggles) _I'm writhing! _(starts singing desperately)_

No, I won't die . . . I will survive . . . I am the king, so it's important to the land I stay alive . . .

ELIZABETH _(trying to be kind)_

That will only make the rest of us sick.

(MARGUERITE storms up to them.)

MARGUERITE

All of you are making me sick! The house of York is nothing but a slobbering bunch of butchers and loose women!

(She rounds on Edward)

MARGUERITE

As for you, you crown-snatching lummox, I'll-

(Enter LADY ANNE, MARGUERITE's daughter-in-law. She is a perky, somewhat amoral slip of a girl, dressed in black but obviously not in mourning. Her carriage and appearance are somewhat sloppy, and she has concealed a flask of alcohol on her person. MARGUERITE is distracted from EDWARD and catches ANNE in an unrequited bone-crushing hug.)

ANNE

'Kay- OKAY, you can let go of me now!

MARGUERITE _(releases her and begins obsessively adjusting ANNE's appearance)_

Oh, little Anne, jewel of my existence, the one light into my dark life, poor little widow and yet a virgin!

ANNE _(uneasily)_

Uh, I wouldn't go as far as virgin . . .

_(She looks impatiently back at MARGUERITE)_

ANNE

Oh, do I have to go to the stupid funeral? I barely knew Edouard-

MARGUERITE _(comforting)_

Oh, cherie, I know, I know. But if you'd had time-

ANNE

When's the funeral, Margie?

MARGUERITE _(a little disappointed)_

You should be off now, I think.

ANNE

S'okay.

(ANNE approaches the KING.)

ANNE

S'up, Ed? How's your brother?

(The LADIES gasp.)

ELIZABETH _(snappish)_

Don't talk about that man, Edward.

EDWARD

Richard is my only surviving brother, Lisbet-

ANNE

Yeah!

(The DUCHESS has looked thoughtful for a moment. She seems to hit on a truly abhorrent thought, gasps, and shakes EDWARD.)

DUCHESS

Oh, Neddie, don't die! I couldn't bear for that hellhound to be my only living joy-

MARGUERITE _(crowing madly, swirls around)_

Oh, you deserve him! Richard shall be your ruination and the house of York shall perish!

ELIZABETH _(gently urges ANNE along)_

Go, lass, and maybe she'll be kind to you.

(ANNE nods and dashes offstage, taking a sip from her flask as she does so. MARGARET twirls after her.)

EDWARD _(sits up a little)_

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Lisbet, dearest, will you assist me on a stroll about the palace?

ELIZABETH _(helps him up)_

Of course, love.

DUCHESS _(tagging after them)_

A mother has her worries, pet-

(Exeunt.)

SCENE TWO

(A garden in the palace grounds. Enter the crippled, limping form of RICHARD OF GLOUCESTER, hobbling along with his crutch. His aggressive posture only emphasizes his hunchback and he is squinting slightly. But he is obviously rather full of himself. He gives the audience one of those grins that say 'I am smarter than anyone here and I know it'.)

RICHARD _(grandly)_

Now is the winter of our discontent

Made glorious summer by this son of York,

And all the clouds that lour'd upon this house

In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths,

Our bruised arms hung up for monuments-

(Enter a bunch of gaily-dressed young girls with baskets of flower garlands. They twirl around RICHARD, ignore his protests, and drape him with flowers.)

GIRLS

Happy Springtime, my lord Duke!

(Exit the girls. RICHARD is throbbing with anger. He shakes his good fist in their direction.)

RICHARD

You young hooligans! There shall be a reckoning!

_(He stops, panting a little, and tries to continue his soliloquy.)_

RICHARD

Our. . . _(glances at himself in defeat) _Our triumphant bodies covered in posies. PAIGE!!

_(Enter RICHARD's faithful page, PAIGE, at a full run. This is a _Juwanna Man_-level case of 'trying to look like the opposite sex, failing, and somehow fooling everyone in the play'.)_

PAIGE _(energetically)_

Right here, m'lord!

(She leads him to a bench and helps him down.)

PAIGE

There you go! Much better, innit?

RICHARD _(gestures roughly at the flower garlands)_

Would you get these bloody things off me!?

PAIGE _(frantically begins)_

Yes, my liege, of course!

RICHARD _(rests head against his hump and sighs)_

It's a lovely day, isn't it?

PAIGE

Oh yes, Your Grace.

RICHARD

The birds are blooming. . .

PAIGE _(gingerly massaging his temples)_

Yes.

RICHARD

The flowers are chirping. . .

PAIGE

Yes!

RICHARD _(straightens up)_

And it seems like every God-damn nobody and his dog is in _(super-sugary smile, bats his eyelashes obnoxiously)_ luuuuuurve!

PAIGE

Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?

RICHARD _(drops the smile in favor of his usual disillusioned squint and scowl)_

I hate it.

PAIGE _(taken aback)_

Sir?

RICHARD _(rather bitterly)_

I can't stand this isolation! If those Strawberry Shortcake brats had let me finish my speech earlier you'd have known that!

PAIGE

You'll find that special lady some day, sir. You are, after all, Richard- the young and eligible Duke of Gloucester!

(PAIGE begins shining RICHARD's shoes)

PAIGE (continuing)

I mean, it really shouldn't matter that you're short, and blunt-faced, and bow-legged, (losing her conviction) and anti-social, and hunchbacked, and look like a second cousin of that Professor Snape guy, and somewhat nearsighted, and lacking in all fashion sense, and you've got a. . . wonky. . . arm. . . (aside, to the audience) Wow, he is screwed.

RICHARD _(gives her a deeply sardonic look)_

Dogs bark at me when I walk by.

PAIGE _(shrugs hopefully)_

Maybe you just smell funny.

RICHARD _(pauses)_

Hmm. That is a distinct possibility. _(Sniffs his sleeve)_ No, it's not that. Regardless-

_(Breaks into hysteria)_ I am abhorred! Everyone hates me!

PAIGE _(goopy voice)_

I don't hate you, sire.

RICHARD  
Well, that's not important because I've decided it's better to be _(makes Dr Evil pinky motion)_ . . . evil!

PAIGE _(sets to combing his hair)_

I thought you came to that conclusion after 'whacking' the king and the crown prince.

RICHARD _(easygoing, shrugs)_

Well- _(looks at her) _Are you combing my hair?

PAIGE _(pockets the comb)_

Many apologies sire.

RICHARD _(continuing)_

Well, I didn't think there'd be so many damned fools in the way of my being King!

PAIGE

You've eliminated enough of them so far.

RICHARD

Remember that prophecy that said that "G" was going to kill Edward's heirs?

PAIGE _(giggles maliciously)_

Oh, yes! That was a splendid way of eliminating your brother George of Clarence, sire.

RICHARD

Poor idiot. Drowned in a butt of malmsey for being named George.

(A brief background pantomime of this murder. We see GEORGE OF CLARENCE killed by a GUARD holding his head down in a large punchbowl affair. He twitches gruesomely, contrasting with RICHARD and PAIGE's laughter. The GUARD drags the dead CLARENCE offstage, and the scene continues.)

PAIGE

Well, G could be anyone! One hears it on the streets all the time. _(Ghetto) _"S'up, G?"

RICHARD _(laughs)_

Ah, but the fun is just beginning, Paige! Now if you would be so kind, might you help me up?

(She does so.)

PAIGE

Where to, sire?

RICHARD

Ah, that little Neville wenchling's on the rebound... Fetch me the Porta-Minstrel, faithful friend!

(He nods firmly with a wink and a grin. PAIGE points in a buddy-buddy sort of way, smiles, and nods.)

PAIGE

I like your thinking!

RICHARD _(as they exit)_

Our day of malevolence is but young! And no screwups this time. I have to be rainbow high!

SCENE THREE

(A graveyard. Two GENTLEMEN enter, carrying the body of Prince Edouard of Lancaster. A bored and slightly drunken LADY ANNE follows them. The corpse is set down center stage. ANNE trips, falls, giggles, and pulls herself into a kneeling position next to the body.)

ANNE

Hi, Ed! How are you?- I mean, other than being dead and all.

(The song "Pie Jesu" by Sarah Brightman begins to softly play in the background as ANNE assumes an overly pious pose.)

ANNE _(full weeping-widow act)_

Oh, Eddie, I miss you so. I didn't get to see you much of the time, but I'm sure you were a great guy. You were pretty cute, after all. . .

(She gingerly uncovers his face so she can see it but the audience can't. She stares lovingly, then rather violently climbs atop the body and begins desperately making out with it, groping and moaning softly. When this has been going on for a few moments, she looks up, mussed and a little excited.)

ANNE

It was good for me. Was it good for you?

(Pause.)

ANNE

Aw, baby, don't feel bad! In fact, it reminded me a lot of our first date!

(She goes back to his side, covers his face, and looks heavenward.)

ANNE

Are you there, God? It's me, Lady Anne. As you probably know, I'm still a little ticked about Eddie's death, so I've got a couple of favors to ask. I want you to find the rat bastard who killed him and make him suffer. Like, if he's young, make his hair start falling out. And if he's old, make hair sprout in weird places. And make sure he can never match his socks! And most of all, God- if he's married, make his wife as miserable as me.

(Enter RICHARD and PAIGE in the background. PAIGE is carrying a boombox conspicuously labeled PORTA-MINSTREL.)

ANNE _(an afterthought)_

Oh, and one more thing, God! If his miserable bee-yotch wife ever has a kid, make sure the brat's twisted and deformed like- like-

(She sees RICHARD and points emphatically.)

ANNE

Like HIM!

(The music shuts off. RICHARD comes forward with his idea of a sexy swagger. He smiles at the two GENTLEMEN.ANNE takes a drink from her flask.)

RICHARD

Good morrow, my fine gentlemen! And how fares it for you?

GENTLEMEN _(a la Big Gay Al from _South Park)

We're super! Thanks for asking!

(RICHARD bows politely and heads over to LADY ANNE. The GENTLEMEN stare in slight disgust.)

FIRST GENTLEMAN

Whoo, Mr. Sister, I've heard of being curvy, but never like that!

SECOND GENTLEMAN (makes very "Rikki Lake-audience-member" finger-snapping motions)

Baby got upper back!

RICHARD (takes his hat off and bows as much as he can)

Hey there. I am Richard, Duke of Gloucester, and this (gestures) is my faithful page, Paige. (puts hat back on)

PAIGE (shrugs)

I didn't have much of a career choice.

ANNE (as she stands, eyes him critically)

You're the Duke of Gloucester?

RICHARD

Right now you can just think of me as your own personal angel here to take you to heaven, babydoll.

(He rubs suggestively against her and makes a growling sound. ANNE looks pained.)

ANNE

Do that again and I may have to puke on you. (darkly) Although that might be an improvement in your case. (takes a drink from her flask)

GENTLEMEN

Whoa, snap!

ANNE

You look a little like an animal, to be honest.

RICHARD (laying the self-pity on thick)

I'm worse than an animal, because animals are content without love.

ANNE (walking away from him)

And animals don't have pity-parties!

RICHARD (limping after her)

Does it even matter to you why I came here? I think you are the loveliest lady in all of Creation.

ANNE (after irritably taking a drink from her flask)

Well, I'd make myself even uglier than you if that's what it takes to get you to leave me alone!

RICHARD (at her side)

Oh, don't threaten that! I hate ugliness as much as the next slob. I hate myself as much as you (very "wounded puppy") seem to hate me.

ANNE (looks sympathetically at him, then reaches for another drink)

I'm sorry.

RICHARD (back to his old self)

But, hey, what can I say? I might like myself a little more if you agreed to be my little woman!

(ANNE is so surprised, she spits and starts giggling.)

ANNE

Whoa. . . (laughs nervously) I don't know what to say to that.

RICHARD (puts an arm around her shoulders)

How about "I'm yours for eternity, you steaming hunk of manhood"?

ANNE (playfully pushes him away and tiptoes away)

Sorry, but no.

(She takes another drink. RICHARD is now running out of ideas. He snaps his good hand authoritatively at PAIGE.)

RICHARD

Paige! Activate the Porta-Minstrel!

(PAIGE hits play. The song "Engine of Love" from the musical _Starlight Express_ begins. RICHARD starts nodding his head to the beat. When the music really picks up, he begins a ludicrous dance routine consisting mostly of strutting around, gyrating his hips, and trying to be sexy yet failing miserably. He limps over to ANNE and scoops her into the dance. She giggles drunkenly and playfully joins in. It is now a ridiculous, misbegotten pas de deux. At its end, he gathers her to him.. ANNE seems pleased until the music fades and RICHARD leers and confesses:)

RICHARD

I didn't expect you to so willingly take the murderer of your husband into your arms.

(ANNE pushes him away in horror, simultaneously pulling his sword from his its scabbard and threatening him with it.)

ANNE

Oh no you didn't!

RICHARD (panicking)

Yes- and your father in law too, but-

(ANNE shoves the sword at his chest.)

ANNE

You die now!

RICHARD (drags himself to his knees)

I did it because I love you! I was a wicked, wicked man, but perhaps your love will save me. Oh, Anne, (sobbing into the hem of her dress) save meee!!

ANNE

God. I swear I'd kill you if you weren't so damn pathetic.

RICHARD

Killing me won't solve anything, but marrying me might make me a better man. (looks up) Oh, Anne, will you marry me for the sake of my soul?

(ANNE drops the sword. RICHARD looks at the audience.)

RICHARD ('Valley Boy')

Excellent.

ANNE

I doubt you have a soul.

PAIGE

Dude!

ANNE (turns hesitantly away from RICHARD)

But if you do have a soul, I would really hate to be the one to doom it to Hell. (twists her fingers together, whispers quietly) God, you've changed, Richard. You were my best friend.

RICHARD (puts his hand on her shoulder)

I remember.

ANNE (dizzy, thoughts coming randomly)

I still have my copybook where I used to sit and write my name. First I'd always write "Anne Neville", then "Lady Anne", then. . .

RICHARD (leans seductively over her shoulder)

Then what, my beauty?

ANNE

Anne of Gloucester.

RICHARD

Marry me and add "Queen Anne" to that list of titles.

(This has a stunning effect on ANNE. Her mouth drops open as her eyes pop. Queen? The connotations of this dazzle her. She smiles with a greed she's never shown before- a greed akin to RICHARD's. She turns toward him with an expression of ferocious hunger.)

ANNE

Yes!

RICHARD (aside, pumps his good arm)

Score!

(turns back to ANNE while PAIGE applauds a little wistfully. He kisses ANNE passionately. She puts up no resistance. The GENTLEMEN dissolve into tears and console each other. ANNE and RICHARD pull apart, exchanging opportunistic smiles.)

RICHARD

May I have a token of your troth?

ANNE (fumbling in her pocket, pulls out a handkerchief, blows her nose, and hands it to him. With no trace of sarcasm:)

Cherish it.

RICHARD (holds it to his face)

It's still warm!

FIRST GENTLEMAN (to ANNE)

What to do with your husband's body, my lady?

ANNE (laughing)

Get a coffin, bore it full of holes, stuff him in, throw it in a river! Once there, he'll soon find his way to the bottom! (tenderly, to RICHARD) I care nothing for him. I only need you! I must go and announce my engagement. Til we meet again, my sweet-blooming flower!

(Exit ANNE, in a run. The GENTLEMEN look scandalized.)

SECOND GENTLEMAN

I can't believe she gave her hanky to a geek.

(The GENTLEMEN pick up the body and exit. PAIGE hoots excitedly and twirls around RICHARD, who has started staring out in space while the familiar Evil Smile takes shape.)

PAIGE

Well done, sir, well done! (glomps him) I told you you'd find someone! I knew you'd be all right! (takes him solidly by the shoulders) Oh, Sir! We must celebrate! This calls for new livery! Sir- (realizes he isn't paying attention) Sir?

RICHARD

What a lovely little fool, that Anne! (to PAIGE, as he paces around) Friend, tell me, are women always so easily fooled into love?

PAIGE

She is ambitious herself, sir.

(RICHARD looks at PAIGE in happy admiration.)

RICHARD

And has any man as delightfully wicked as myself ever had a page as bright and faithful as you? You are a perverse little mistake of creation, Paige, and I love you! (waves his hand indicatively) Come along. We have a wedding to plan. . . and coronation robes to fit!

(Exeunt.)

SCENE THREE

(The royal wedding chapel. The TEACHER steps forward as guests convene.EDWARD sits, looking quite miserable. ELIZABETH goes to him.)

ELIZABETH

Please, dear, it will be all right. I don't want to be here either, but the boys insisted-

EDWARD (smiles)

They do love their Uncle Humpty, don't they?

ELIZABETH

We must only hope one day they'll wake up and smell the loser. I'll go get them.

(Exit ELIZABETH. MARGUERITE comes skulking in.)

MARGUERITE (to the audience)

Louts, the lot of them! And my poor Anne, getting dragged into this. . . Well, if she's willing to desert me like this, then let her! It will only bring her into the hog's jaws! If she wants to be a Yorkist broodmare, let her!

(She slinks off to her seat, muttering, as ELIZABETH re-enters, followed by her young sons PRINCE NED and the DUKE OF YORK, who are played by a pair of full-grown actors.)

ELIZABETH (ushers them along)

Come along, my sweetings, come along!

(The boys sit. ELIZABETH frantically smoothes them over.)

EDWARD

Look at my handsome boys!

NED

Hey, Daddy, guess what? I got measured today and I'm almost as tall as you were when you were little!

EDWARD (laughs)

Is that so?

YORK

That's not as impressive as my loose tooth!

(Enter RICHARD, accompanied by PAIGE and his other lead lackey, the DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM.)

RICHARD

It means so much to me that you came, Buckingham. After all, you'll reap plenty of rewards in the end yourself!

BUCKINGHAM

I'm sure I shall! So, who's the lucky girl?

RICHARD

Anne Neville.

PAIGE

You will never believe what she thinks she's doing.

BUCKINGHAM

What?

RICHARD (as though he's telling the world's greatest joke)

Saving my soul!

PAIGE

Saving his claim to the throne, more like it!

RICHARD (delighted with his own wordplay)

Now, see, with Clarence dead- and Anne in my bed- I'm THIS much closer to a crown on my head!

(RICHARD, PAIGE, and BUCKINGHAM burst into loud, raucous laughter, with much shaking, wiping of tears, and repeating of phrases. As they do this, a GUARD walks by, looks at the audience, shrugs, and then continues through. By the time the three conspirators are out of breath, they straighten up, abruptly quiet.)

RICHARD

Whoo.

PAIGE

Funny.

BUCKINGHAM

Indeed.

(NED and YORK rush over and practically crush RICHARD between them.)

BOYS

Unkie Humpty!

(RICHARD desperately pushes out from between them and gives a big, fake smile.)

RICHARD

How are my little nephews?

BOYS

Great!

YORK

Unkie Humpty, I've got a question. Why do they call you Humpty?

(They smile innocently. RICHARD's face twists into a mask of self-loathing. He reaches back to his hump, touches it gingerly, and slowly brings his hand back in the shape of an angry claw. He looms over them- as much as he can, considering the fact that he's on the lacking end of the perpendicular- and returns to the false smile, chewing his lower lip.)

RICHARD (subconsciously baring his teeth, but in a terribly saccharine tone)

Well, why do you think?

NED

I think it's because of that big old lump on your back!

PAIGE AND BUCKINGHAM (facepalms)

D'oh!

(RICHARD is practically going into spasms with rage. He makes a sort of choking noise and intense "go away" motions as the TEACHER becomes part of the display by taking the role of a priest. The BOYS resignedly go back to their mother. RICHARD looks up at an imaginary clock and gasps.)

RICHARD

It's time!

("Ave Maria" by Sarah Brightman begins, signifying the beginning of the wedding ceremony. ANNE appears in her wedding dress but with her flask still at her side. She reaches the altar. Then BUCKINGHAM proceeds up as the best man. Finally, it is RICHARD's turn. PAIGE carries his cloak .When they reach the altar, PAIGE is maiden of honor.)

PRIEST (with an Elmer Fudd accent- think the priest in _The Princess Bride_)

Marriage. . . Marriage is what we have come here to celebrate. . . The most holy matrimony of Richard, Duke of Gloucester, and Lady Anne Neville, widow of the late Edouard of Lancaster-

RICHARD (puts up a hand)

Can we skip to the fun part?

ANNE (stamps her foot)

Richard! (coyly) We want this to be special. . .

PRIEST (flips distractedly through his prayer book)

Um- Ah! Here we are. To you, Richard, take Anne to be your lawfully wedded wife and duchess, to have and to hold, til death do you-

RICHARD (impatient)

Yes, yes, I do! Can we get on with it?

PRIEST

Well then. . . Do you, Anne, take Richard to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, til death do you part?

(ANNE smiles sweetly at RICHARD.)

ANNE

I do.

PRIEST

The rings, please?

(PAIGE puts the rings on ANNE and RICHARD's fingers.)

PRIEST

Please join your hands.

(RICHARD and ANNE clasp hands. The PRIEST gently binds their hands together with a long band.)

PRIEST

What love has bound together, let no man cast asunder. I now pronounce you man and wife.

RICHARD

I now pronounce you Duchess of Gloucester.

PRIEST

You may kiss the bride.

(RICHARD and ANNE kiss. Applause. The music fades out. RICHARD draws away, looks out at the audience and shouts:)

RICHARD

What are we waiting for? Let's PARTAY! (hoots excitedly)

(Random celebration ensues. BUCKINGHAM approaches RICHARD.)

BUCKINGHAM

So, what exactly are you going to do about. . . (gestures at the BOYS)

RICHARD (smiles wistfully)

Oh, I don't know! I know they're in the way of my succession, but they're just so little and innocent and cute. . . I say we drug them tonight and smuggle them off to a nice couple of German peasants.

(We now see that NED is performing a rather cruel impersonation of his uncle involving a nasty squint and a few balloons shoved up his shirt. YORK laughs hysterically as NED begins stumbling around with an exaggerated limp.)

NED (in a "growly" voice)

Grrr! I'm Unkie Richard! Everybody hates me because of my big fat hump!

YORK (shouts to RICHARD)

Look, Unkie Humpty! Ned's being you!

(This has officially robbed RICHARD of any sentiment for his nephews.)

RICHARD (deadpans)

You know what? On second thought, kill them.

(BUCKINGHAM crosses to the BOYS.)

BUCKINGHAM

Say, boys, have you ever had a chance to visit the Tower of London? I heard it's pretty spooky at night. . .

BOYS

Awesome!

YORK

I wanna catch a ghost!

NED

I want the walls to start oozing green slime!

BUCKINGHAM

Well, don't just stand there! Come with me!

(Exit BUCKINGHAM and the BOYS. Music starts up for the first dance- something ridiculously strange for the occasion, like the finale portion of "The Jellicle Ball" from _Cats_. EDWARD and ELIZABETH also participate, looking very much in love. RICHARD and ANNE's approach has the feeling of trying to out-pizzazz one another By the end of it, everyone groups up for a proper "big finish". This is denied, of course, mainly because ANNE throws her arms out wide and whacks RICHARD in the head. He falls flat on his back, resembling an overturned turtle. A moment of silence as everyone else holds the pose but he is left sort of rocking back and forth on his hump. He gives a slight cough.)

RICHARD

A little help here?

(EDWARD suddenly clutches his chest, wheezes and falls. The pose immediately breaks. )

ELIZABETH

Edward!

RICHARD (caustically)

Oh, sure, when miserable little hunchbacked Richard falls, it's all one big laugh, but when big handsome King Edward falls- "Oh no! Somebody call for help!"

EDWARD (weakly)

Lisbet. . .

ELIZABETH

Oh, my God! (frantically, to RICHARD) Do something! Quickly!

RICHARD (emotionless)

Help. Police. Murder.

ELIZABETH (cradling EDWARD's body)

Oh, Edward, don't leave me here!

EDWARD

I love you, Elizabeth.

(ELIZABETH kisses him lightly on the lips. He smiles, gives a great, gentle sigh, and closes his eyes. ELIZABETH shuts her own eyes to try to hold back her tears.)

ELIZABETH

I love you too.

(A moment of silence, broken by RICHARD's usual gross lack of empathy.)

RICHARD

Well! If this isn't awkward, I don't know what is. Paige, could you go get a Hefty bag or similar? Because this situation is not going to resolve itself.

PAIGE (briskly)

Righto, milord. (exits)

ELIZABETH (straining for composure)

I'm sorry this had to happen on your wedding day, Anne.

ANNE (nonchalant)

Hey, no problem! I've got some hooch, do you want some?

ELIZABETH (coldly)

Never mind.

MARGUERITE

I told you so.

DUCHESS OF YORK

Well, I suppose that makes dear little Prince Ned the King-

(BUCKINGHAM rushes in, in a panic.)

BUCKINGHAM

They're dead!

ANNE

Who's dead?

BUCKINGHAM

The Princes! They fell in the river outside the Tower-

ELIZABETH (watching her very world fall apart before her)

AND YOU DIDN'T TRY TO SAVE THEM?

BUCKINGHAM (very rationally)

Your Grace, these robes are dry-clean only.

(ELIZABETH dissolves into furious, maddened tears. MARGARET cackles triumphantly. PAIGE re-enters with a Hefty bag, as instructed.)

MARGUERITE

Ah, how the worm has turned! Now you know what it feels like to have your world shredded apart!

ANNE

Well, now who runs the country?

(Everyone suddenly has a calculating expression. A few people count on their fingers. Then, suddenly, everyone looks at RICHARD en masse.)

RICHARD (acts shy)

Aw, shucks. . . I really couldn't. . .

BUCKINGHAM

It's your birthright, Richard! The crown goes to the king's younger brother in the lack of an heir. And with Clarence dead, that means you.

RICHARD (really laying it on thick)

But I am so inexperienced!

BUCKINGHAM

I think a little authority might be good for you.

RICHARD (swivels on his hump. Think Cartman on South Park:)

Authoritah? I'd have authoritah?

BUCKINGHAM

Indeed, my lord. (looks around at the crowd) Who here thinks Richard would make a swell king?

(Ad-libbed uncertainty. PAIGE and ANNE readily volunteer.)

RICHARD (acting like he really needs to be convinced)

Well. . . I guess, for the sake of my country!

(PAIGE helps RICHARD up and brings ANNE over. BUCKINGHAM produces two flat Burger King crowns from within his robes, hooks them into rings, and puts them on RICHARD and ANNE's heads.)

BUCKINGHAM

You da king, you da queen. All hail King Richard III and his lovely bride Queen Anne! All hail!

RICHARD (to the audience, pumps his arm back)

Yes!

(ANNE drinks deep from her flask.)

ANNE

I'm th' Queen? Thass weird. (takes another sip) I thaw I's a dutchie.

RICHARD (lecherously)

Anne, dear? Why don't you go to the royal bedchamber and wait?

ANNE (as she exits)

Okee. . . Whee, look at me, I'm the bloody queen of England! An' now I'm gonna get me some humpin' with a humpty. . .

(RICHARD goes to proudly ascend his throne, but finds it too tall for his short, crippled leg.)

RICHARD

Could somebody get me a friggin' stepstool!?

(BUCKINGHAM gives him a boost, in a horrible parody of the ascension moment in Shakespeare's original. RICHARD removes his crown and studies it. Cautiously, he licks it and then smiles euphorically.)

RICHARD

It tastes just like I dreamt it would. . . (looks at the rest of them) Well, I suppose it's time for my first official act as king, so you're (points at ELIZABETH) banished from court and (points at MARGUERITE) you're under arrest! How do you like them apples?

(BUCKINGHAM arrests MARGUERITE, who doesn't protest but instead continues to stare maniacally at RICHARD.)

MARGUERITE

You are going down, mo-fo.

RICHARD (feigning confusion)

Did you hear something?

(Exit MARGUERITE and BUCKINGHAM. ELIZABETH gently lays EDWARD's body down and then storms up to RICHARD. She strikes him across the face.)

RICHARD

Hey! Watch the hair!

ELIZABETH

I will never forgive you for this.

RICHARD

That's not really my problem. Now shoo, before I have you charged with treason. (loudly) And would somebody get the dead guy off the floor? It's kind of a buzz-kill, if you know what I mean.

(Exit all but RICHARD. EDWARD's body is carried off.)

RICHARD (to the exiting crowd)

Smooches! (shakes head back in satisfaction) It is good to be the king.

(Exit RICHARD.)

SCENE FOUR

(The royal solar. ANNE and RICHARD are playing chess.)

ANNE

So, I heard you had three of Elizabeth's relatives whacked?

RICHARD

Mmm-hmm. We can't take chances, can we?

ANNE

Her whole family's ready to boil with treason. I never liked her. But at least she's none of our concern now, right?

RICHARD

Indeed.

(ANNE hesitates.)

ANNE

Richard, there's something I need to talk to you about.

RICHARD (sighs)

Are the local shepherds revolting again? Because-

ANNE

We've been married for about three months now, and I'll admit you've been a better husband than I expected. (smiles) Always faithful to me. That's a rare trait in royalty, and I admire that in you.

RICHARD (makes talking motion with his hand)

Blah-blah. Get to the point.

ANNE (joyfully)

Richard- you're going to be a father!

RICHARD (greedily elated)

An heir! My blood shall rule England forever.

ANNE (touches his arm)

You don't understand. Before I knew you were the one who slew Henry and Edouard- before I knew what a good and truly repentant man you are- (she starts crying) Oh, Richard! I prayed at Edouard's side that if his killer's wife ever bore a child, that the child would be . . .

RICHARD (deadly calm)

Would be what?

ANNE

Deformed.

RICHARD (grimly)

Like me.

ANNE

How was I to know you'd be my babydaddy?

RICHARD (gestures at his body)

Anne, would you want a child like this? Can you imagine the teasing I got in school?

ANNE (rushes to him)

Please try to listen to me! Sure, when it comes to physical prowess, you drew a short straw, but as king you are strong! Our child can easily be the same-

RICHARD

That's all very well if it's a son, but if it's a daughter, she'll be a spinster!

ANNE

Or perhaps a beautiful, delicate cripple!

RICHARD (shouts)

I am not interested in creating any more cripples!

(He shoves her violently. She falls and strikes her head. The sudden stillness makes it clear- she has broken her neck. RICHARD has killed the only woman who ever loved him.)

RICHARD

Anne? Oh, damnit. This is not good.

(Enter BUCKINGHAM and PAIGE.)

RICHARD

Oh, hello. Buckingham, for the sake of my PR rep, you killed Anne so I killed you. Got that?

BUCKINGHAM

What?

(RICHARD unsheathes his sword and kills BUCKINGHAM.)

BUCKINGHAM (dying)

God. . . I. . . hate. . . you. . . guys. . . So. . . very. . .very. . .much. . .

RICHARD (looks at the two dead bodies sprawled on the floor)

Wow. That was callous, even for me.

PAIGE (pulls a letter from her doublet)

I have a message, sir, from the Earl of Richmond.

RICHARD

Ah, that hippie ex-pat Tudor! I've been curious what his head would look like mounted on my wall. Give me that letter here, my boy.

PAIGE

I'm a girl.

RICHARD

Whatever. (reads the letter) 'Dear Dick- You suck. Really, really badly. And I hate you. So, I've decided I want to be king instead. Because you suck. So, meet me at Bosworth Field this coming August 22 so we can rumble. Of course, I know I'll just kick your butt anyway, because you suck. Smell you later, Henry Tudor.' Okay, now that's just rude! Everyone knows I hate being called Dick!

PAIGE

I have the feeling that's the least of our problems, sir. You must amass an army, and-

RICHARD

I know about that! Now go get a couple of Hefty bags. And tell Princess Bess her Uncle Richard's got his eye on her. How would she like to be my new Queen?

(Exit PAIGE. RICHARD shakes his head.)

RICHARD  
Criminy, what a mess.

(Exit RICHARD.)

SCENE FIVE

(MARGUERITE'S cell. She is sitting, eerily calm, on the ground. ELIZABETH enters, wearing a cloak and carrying a candle.)

ELIZABETH

Lady Marguerite?

MARGUERITE (smiles wickedly)

Queen Elizabeth. Or should I say- Dowager Queen Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH (lowers her hood and kneels down by MARGUERITE)

I need your help.

MARGUERITE

How ironic. You've finally managed to defeat me and yet now you need me more than ever. I presume you're here because of the Richard problem?

ELIZABETH

We have to do something about him. He's killing the country. He killed my two precious angels! And now- now he thinks he can seduce my daughter!

MARGUERITE

Welcome to my world. Now you know what it's like to have your life pulled out from under your feet! But I will help you, Elizabeth Woodville- for a price.

ELIZABETH

Price?

MARGUERITE

Quid pro quo, as it were.

ELIZABETH

I'll do anything you want.

MARGUERITE (craftily)

Very well then. You have nothing to worry about. Richard may be clever, but he's also full of himself. Believe me, he'll fall. He'll fall soon, and as bloodily as he rose.

ELIZABETH

To whom?

MARGUERITE

Henry Tudor. Soon to be Henry VII.

ELIZABETH

Then I'll have Bess married off to him instead. (puts her hood back up and moves to leave)

MARGUERITE

What about my payment?

ELIZABETH (turns back to her)

What must I do?

MARGUERITE (holds up her dagger)

Kill me.

ELIZABETH

Marguerite!

MARGUERITE

I have nothing to live for. Come on, Billy!

ELIZABETH

My name isn't Billy, it's-

MARGUERITE

We've come to a sad place indeed, when you can't even get a girl to kill her superior! Do you want to know what it's like to be me? Here- listen!

(She starts a boombox that just happened to be idling in her cell. Enya music plays. MARGUERITE smiles fiendishly. ELIZABETH looks maddened.)

ELIZABETH

No more! No more!

(ELIZABETH leaps at MARGUERITE, snatches the dagger, and tries to stab the boombox. MARGUERITE smiles and throws herself in the way.)

MARGUERITE

There's a good lass. (dies)

ELIZABETH (draws back)

Oh my God. . . (shakes head) So much pain. . . Dude, that is pretty effed up right there.

(Exit ELIZABETH.)

SCENE SIX

(Bosworth Field. Empty, for now.)

RICHARD (offstage)

Arm yourselves!

RICHMOND (offstage)

You suck!

(Chaos erupts as the stage is flooded with people wielding any random weapons the actors can scrounge up- longpikes, swords, arrows, guns, toy laser guns, tasers, toy lightsabers, blasters, boards with nails through them, grenades, bowling balls, wooden spoons, duct tape, lassos, lawn chairs, cybernetic implants, chattering windup teeth, large books, steak knives, butter knives, rocks, finger armor, brass knuckles, boomboxes playing Enya music- the list could go on and on. Eventually a lot of the warriors end up in the aisles of the theater- at which point RICHARD and RICHMOND ride in on stick ponies and carrying standards. PAIGE rides alongside her master. RICHARD's horse is shot down. He falls.)

RICHARD

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

RICHMOND

I told you you suck!

PAIGE (staring transfixed at RICHMOND)

No one ever told me he was cute!

RICHARD (reaching up at PAIGE)

Paige! Help me!

PAIGE (scornfully)

You're right. You are ugly.

(She rides over to and shakes hands with RICHMOND. RICHARD gapes.)

RICHARD

Paige! That is NOT COOL!

RICHMOND

Now I'm gonna prove how much you suck!

(RICHARD is surrounded by enemy soldiers. They attack him. Every so often we hear his cries of agony or see his painful contortions. At last, he is pushed off the edge of the stage. Until he falls, we hear a consistent shout:)

RICHARD

Treason! Treason!

(When he is pushed off the stage, he is silent and very dead. PAIGE plucks off RICHARD's coronet and gives it to RICHMOND, who puts it on.)

RICHMOND

Thank you for your help, little friend. Do you know where I can find the Princess Bess?

PAIGE (doffs her cap and shakes her hair loose)

I am Princess Bess! Paige was just a disguise I adopted to be close to Richard.

RICHMOND

Then may I ask for your hand?

BESS

Of course.

(They kiss.)

RICHMOND

Now I suppose we have nothing left but to be crowned King and Queen!

BESS

Ride quickly, then.

RICHMOND (to the audience)

At last, this wretched bloodshed is over! Call out for nachos!

(Cheering. BESS mounts RICHMOND's horse. They ride off together to London to claim the crown.)

THE highly disappointing END


End file.
